Re-rediscovery

A spiritual awakening often happens in the form of our Soul recognising and remembering our true purpose. The reason why we are here (on Earth), what we are here for. After reading Rebecca Campbell’s ‘Light is the New Black’ and ‘Rise Sister Rise’ I re-rediscovered my Soul. I say re-rediscovered on purpose because it is the second time this happened to me (in this human form).

The first time was when I was about 27 years old. As I was waiting for my train to arrive in a bookstore at the train station, my eye caught a book that I just had to buy. Which is kind of special because although I read everything I could get my hands on as a kid, since I turned 18 I didn’t ever touch a book to read for pleasure (only college books for Med School). And suddenly I bought this book for some reason. It was called ‘Book of Shadows’ by Phyllis Curott and it was my initiation into the Sacred Feminine. I couldn’t stop reading, it was like coming home to myself. This is who I truly am, I thought with every page I turned. So that was my first spiritual awakening. Being brought up with christianity it was very confusing to find that the true me was not spiritual in a christian, monotheistic way, but to learn that Divinity lies in each one of us. That we are part of the Universe and have the power to change things.

At the time I was in the midst of my medical/scientific career, I was surrounded by the patriarchal system of healthcare and science and everyone around me had some kind of scepticism towards everything not ‘evidence-based’. A term used by scientists to indicate that something is likely to be true or not, related to the amount of evidence existing and the quality of the underlying research done to draw conclusions from. Obviously, to the standards of the scientific paradigm (which is a topic I was fascinated by since early med school, my favorite topic was Philosophy and Ethics). Anyway, not the environment to talk about metaphysical manifestation (or ‘magic’), herb lore, chakras or energy fields. So I didn’t share my reclaimed Self with my colleagues, family or friends. And as time progressed, I was sucked back into my work (although I quit research, and clinical health care because I felt so out of place). I didn’t listen to the voice within. I became a mother and daily routine asked for my attention. In my new job I was trying to fix things, operational improvement mainly, so in a way I was still a doctor, a healer, but nothing changed really. For me at least. I felt completely empty, and drained, and steered into full blown burn-out. Because I didn’t listen.

Twelve years after my first awakening, I realised I was so un-aligned for so long. Constantly fighting, unsure where I was going, just following assignments, expectations, old patterns and doing things I didn’t want to do. As a Capricorn I am very dedicated, determined, striving for excellence and strong but I put all of my efforts towards the wrong things. It almost wiped me out. Everything around me came crumbling down. I tried to hold everything together, but I was compromising myself, and in the end there was so little space left for my Soul that I was barely able to breathe. I was exhausted, panicking, contracted, plaqued by arrhythmia, drowning. And that was the moment when I got my hands on ‘Light is the New Black’. It was coming home to myself all over again.

What I needed to to was finding my true Soul again and only doing what truly lights me up. That would lead me towards my calling, and effortless living. The minute I realised that, I gave myself permission to let go of everything that is not me. Old patterns, external and internal expectations and everything that makes me feel contracted, or tense. And I could breathe again.

I am now a few weeks back on the road to recovery. It’s a journey to feel alignment in my being, follow my Soul’s calling, my inner voice, doing the things that light me up. Not the things I like or want, but the things that really make me shine again. So I can share my Light with others. And be of service to the world. I always felt that I had to be part of something bigger. I had to re-rediscover it.

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