Many positive things can be found about meditation and its effects, in fact so many that it seems to be the solution to everything. But for me it wasn’t, not naturally, when I ran into a complete burnout. I wanted to meditate, and tried many times but I couldn’t do it when I got stuck and it became an impossible task when I was in the depths of the abyss.
The months prior I felt that something needed to happen and I tried to calm myself with meditation attempts. What I didn’t know was that I was already so stressed out that being still in meditation caused the volcanic pressure to rise and overwhelmed me. Yoga and relaxation exercises drove me crazy due to the anxiety and stress that came to the surface, causing the opposite to happen. I found myself in a chaotic mind, my thoughts sounded like 6 symphonic orchestras playing in dissonance, a cacophony of noise. I felt like a total failure ‘who couldn’t even meditate’ and I began to skip my weekly yoga classes to prevent myself from going down the vortex of chaos.
When I had to have emergency surgery, the carefully strutted house of cards came down. My body forced me to a stop and for a few weeks I was only a shadow of myself.
Now, 3 months later, the physical signs of my completely disrupted stress-system are subsiding, and I was able to pick up simple daily activities. I now meditate daily, to tune in to myself, feel my body, experience my emotions. This is of great value, because I am able to connect to my feelings and act from it. To set boundaries, or allow things to happen, to rest or do something. So much is happening in me at this moment that I can’t even begin to describe it all. After 2,5 year in survival mode it’s so freeing to be connected to my body, my intuition, my emotions. Some things are a recognition of something I once had and lost, other experiences are new and a beautiful discovery. What opened the door to improvement is meditation.
It is not easy for me to explain why my brain went into overdrive every time I put my body in a resting state. I hope to find the answer in order to be able to share the insights with others and give them hope. To tell them that meditation is possible and provides a way out, although sometimes you have to go through the chaos first.