Yesterday I had to do something important. And yet, at first, I couldn’t. I would mean letting go of something I had put so much effort in.
I won’t be too specific as this is very personal and involving the kids as well but let’s say somebody who betrayed me in the past and I have to keep a relationship with against all odds did something to me that was extremely hurtful. Every boundary that is important to me in relationships was crossed yesterday.
I was shocked. And then sad. Just sad. Not even angry. Sad, because in that instant, I lost hope. It caused me severe pain. Literally aches in my body, back and chest, I never knew that sadness could hurt so much. But also emotionally, I was grieving, due to the loss of hope. Hope that if I would ‘be nice’ and ‘take in’ eventually that would pay off. That I would receive something in return. I never have. It never payed off. It never will.
Boundaries were crossed many times and that pattern would repeat itself unless I was going to stop it. Self-protection is the key to healing. So, in order to take care of myself I needed to set boundaries. Something I find extremely hard to do. For me setting boundaries is like throwing a bomb into a relationship. It never lands easy, it never goes without damage. But in this case, the damage was already done. It was like throwing a bomb into an existing zone of destruction. There couldn’t be any more destruction than there already was. So I tossed and turned and wrote and read and re-wrote and I send a clear message.
“Do never ever cross that boundary again.”
And after that I cried.
I tried not to abandon my aching body. I listened to it and felt in to it. I was crushed by huge waves of sadness. I breathed. And cried. Grief that was stuck for years all came out, almost engulfing me. I didn’t know if I was going to drown of live.
Today I washed ashore. I woke up lighter. Something big was lifted off my chest. The self-imposed duty to save a relationship that already died years ago. I don’t have to do that anymore. I finally let go of a false hope. And with that I am now free.